Calming with help: how the skill grows from 12 to 36 months
Calming with help means settling after being upset with an adult's help: a hug, a quiet spot, a few calm words. Toddlers learn to calm themselves by being calmed many times first.
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Calming with help: the ladder, step by step
Pick the step that looks most like your child today. The next step and activities that practise it appear below.
No step picked yet. There is no wrong answer: pick the closest one.
Next step: Calms with a comfort object. Calms faster with a blanket or soft toy.
Activities that fit this step
- Goodbye Wave at the Window · 12–24 months · 2–5 min
- Name the Feeling as It Happens · 12–24 months · 2–5 min
- Sleepy Fingers Wind-Down Rhyme · 16–28 months · 2–5 min
Next step: Accepts a calming routine. Sits with you for a few deep breaths or a quiet song.
Activities that fit this step
- Goodbye Wave at the Window · 12–24 months · 2–5 min
- Name the Feeling as It Happens · 12–24 months · 2–5 min
- Sleepy Fingers Wind-Down Rhyme · 16–28 months · 2–5 min
Next step: Asks for comfort. Comes to you for a hug when upset.
Activities that fit this step
- Name the Feeling as It Happens · 12–24 months · 2–5 min
- Sleepy Fingers Wind-Down Rhyme · 16–28 months · 2–5 min
- Cozy Cushion Calm Corner · 24–36 months · 5–15 min
Next step: Settles after separation. Cries at drop-off but joins play within minutes.
Activities that fit this step
- Sleepy Fingers Wind-Down Rhyme · 16–28 months · 2–5 min
- Cozy Cushion Calm Corner · 24–36 months · 5–15 min
- Slow Bubble Breathing · 30–36 months · 3–6 min
Top of the ladder (settles after separation). Keep it flexible: offer it in a new place, with a different person or with new materials.
Activities that fit this step
- Sleepy Fingers Wind-Down Rhyme · 16–28 months · 2–5 min
- Cozy Cushion Calm Corner · 24–36 months · 5–15 min
- Slow Bubble Breathing · 30–36 months · 3–6 min
The calming with help ladder
5 steps from the first sign to a flexible skill, covered here from 12 to 36 months. Children move at their own pace: use the steps to see what comes next, not as deadlines.
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Calms when held
Settles when picked up and rocked.
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Calms with a comfort object
Calms faster with a blanket or soft toy.
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Accepts a calming routine
Sits with you for a few deep breaths or a quiet song.
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Asks for comfort
Comes to you for a hug when upset.
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Settles after separation
Cries at drop-off but joins play within minutes.
When calming with help usually shows up
Calming down within about 10 minutes after you leave, such as at a childcare drop-off, is a CDC 36-month milestone. Before then, big feelings and tantrums are common and children need an adult to help them settle.
This page follows calming with help from 12 to 36 months, a window that spans the 12-month, 15-month, 18-month, 24-month, 30-month and 36-month CDC checklists.
In the library, 5 activities practise calming with help (3 as their main skill), for ages 12 to 36 months. 2 of them need no prep and take 10 minutes or less. By age, they sit closest to steps 2, 3, 4 and 5 of the 5-step ladder.
Related items appear on the CDC checklists for 36 months.
Related milestones
CDC checklist items (paraphrased) that involve calming with help. Checklists are for monitoring, not a test.
| Checklist | Milestone |
|---|---|
| 36 months | Settles within about 10 minutes after you leave, for example at a childcare drop-off. |
Activities that practise calming with help
Placed on the closest ladder step by age. By primary domain: 4 social-emotional and 1 creativity & pretend. Quickest to start: Goodbye Wave at the Window (2–5 minutes).
Step 2: Calms with a comfort object
Step 3: Accepts a calming routine
Step 4: Asks for comfort
Step 5: Settles after separation
Skills practised alongside
The activities for calming with help most often also work on imitating actions (2), naming feelings (2), action songs (1), gestures and signs (1) and showing affection (1). Pairing them keeps practice playful: one activity, several skills.
Practise it inside everyday routines
- Stay close and calm; your steady voice helps more than words.
- Keep a simple goodbye routine at drop-off: a hug, a wave, then go.
- After the storm, name what happened in a few words.
What to avoid
- Sneaking out without a goodbye; a short, predictable goodbye is easier to recover from.
When to mention it to the pediatrician
If tantrums are very long, frequent or include hurting themselves, or if by 3 your child cannot settle after you leave even with time and support, talk with the pediatrician.
Worried about calming with help between visits? Call the pediatrician; CDC's free resources also explain how to contact your local Early Intervention program directly. Milestones are for monitoring, not diagnosis.
Frequently asked questions
When do toddlers start calming with help?
Calming down within about 10 minutes after you leave, such as at a childcare drop-off, is a CDC 36-month milestone. Before then, big feelings and tantrums are common and children need an adult to help them settle. The first step to look for: settles when picked up and rocked.
How can I help my toddler with calming with help?
Stay close and calm; your steady voice helps more than words. Keep a simple goodbye routine at drop-off: a hug, a wave, then go. A good first activity is Goodbye Wave at the Window (12–24 months).
What should I avoid when practising calming with help?
Sneaking out without a goodbye; a short, predictable goodbye is easier to recover from.
When should I mention calming with help to the pediatrician?
If tantrums are very long, frequent or include hurting themselves, or if by 3 your child cannot settle after you leave even with time and support, talk with the pediatrician. You can also contact Early Intervention yourself.
Related
Monitoring, not medical advice. Talk to your pediatrician about any concern. Our sources and method.